A View From the Cheap Seats

October 14, 2009

Not Gonna Do It

Filed under: Humor,National,Politics,World — trzupek @ 1:59 pm



By Rich Trzupek

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking “here we go, Trzupek is going to make fun of the President winning the Nobel Peace Prize.” You’re expecting that I am going to join the chorus of voices laughing their heads off because the President was nominated for the award after he had been in office all of eleven days.

Sorry, I’m not going to do that. Nor am I going to be so tactless as to point out that the Nobel Peace Prize has more closely resembled the Nobel Door Prize in recent decades. Just look at the honor roll of Nobel Peace Prize winners in living memory.

Take the late Yasser Arafat (please), for example. What more noble example of a Nobel Peace Prize winner could one ask for than that guy who tried so desperately to bring peace to the Middle East? And, although his efforts have not yet been successful, his peace-loving, spiritual descendents carry on the quest and his peaceful strategy of ensuring peace by wiping out every last Israeli on the face of the earth.

And then there is ex-secretary general of the UN Kofi Annan. There is some confusion as to whether Annan won the Nobel Peace Prize, or the Nobel Piece Prize, since the fine fellow was never offered a piece of the pie he didn’t like, but no matter. What better example of a life-long dedication to peace can we find than Kofi Annan (English translation: “where’s my cut?”) the guy whose participation in the multi-billion dollar oil-for-food scam ensured that Saddam Hussein would continue ruling an Iraq dedicated to peace and freedom?

We can’t forget Al Gore can we? Sure, we might want to, but the ex-Vice President of the United States keeps his mug in front of the camera with the kind of dogged perseverance that makes Jesse Jackson green with envy. It is Gore’s epoch work of film-making that has finally united the world in a mighty effort to permanently cripple the US economy and ship all of our manufacturing capacity across the Pacific, which is, of course, the ocean of peace.

So, to sum up the column so far, I’m not going there. I’m being respectful and kind and I’m pointing out to every reader that this award is right in line with the fine tradition that the Nobel Peace Prize committee has established, and to which we – a grateful nation – are so indebted.

But, you’re thinking, if I’m not going to mock the President’s award, surely I’m going to have to say something about the trial foreign-policy balloon that the administration launched last week: suggesting that there should be a role for the Taliban in the government of Afghanistan, even while we continue to fight Al Qaeda there.

Perhaps you expect me to say something historically poignant and a bit witty, like: this is pretty much the same as FDR declaring that we really didn’t have any problem with the Nazis per se, it’s just the Wehrmacht and SS that are the problem. Or maybe you’re thinking that, given this is supposedly the Vice President’s solution, I would observe that any idea that Joe Biden comes up with isn’t likely to be worth the hair plugs it sprung from. Well, ha ha, the joke’s on you! I’m not going to say any of that.

And speaking of the Taliban’s rapid progress to Most Favored Nation trading status, don’t even THINK that I’m going after Democrat National Committee spokesperson Brad Woodhouse, who gravely insulted the Taliban by lumping them in with a much more sinister group of reactionary thugs:

“The Republican Party has thrown in its lot with the terrorists – the Taliban and Hamas this morning – in criticizing the President for receiving the Nobel Peace prize,” DNC communications director Brad Woodhouse told POLITICO last week.

Comparing the Taliban to Republicans! My God, there’s no telling how the Taliban are going to react to this insult. I don’t imagine that they have a punishment worthy of such a crime. Shaving your beard is one thing. A woman showing her neck in public, or driving a car, or (horrors) expressing her own opinion is an abomination before God – we all know that. The Quran provides means for dealing with such things. But comparing our new buddies, the Taliban, to the godless GOP? Brad Woodhouse is going to have some ‘splainin to do! Yet, that’s none of your humble correspondent’s business.

So, to sum up: no mocking the Nobel Peace Prize committee, no questioning the brilliant strategy of cozying-up to the Taliban and inviting them to have a sleep-over, and absolutely no slapping down Messr. Brad Woodhouse. Everything is cool. We’ve got hope baby, and that’s all that matters.

On the other hand, the “change” is running a bit low, but what the heck, we can always get government jobs, right?


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