EXAMINER PUBLICATIONS – JANUARY 14, 2009
By Rich Trzupek
It being an election year and all, let’s do a political theme this time. Won’t that be fun? I mean, it’s not like there’s any shortage of material to work with.
Strapped for cash, Illinois’ felon-in-chief Rod Blagojevich offers the Governor’s Mansion on eBay, since he’s not using it anyway.
In Streamwood, Trustee Jason Speer stamps his feet and yells “it’s no fair!” over and over again after police deny his requests for his 137th ride-along and his demands to be issued an “Honorary Sheriff” badge and six-shooter.
Oprah weeps, Chris Matthews leg gets all tingly and Keith Olbermann’s head explodes as the Presidential primary season begins and a new savior is born.
In St. Charles, the City Council and staff decide to anticipate the recession by flushing tens of thousands of dollars down a toilet labeled: Let’s Pretend That The Police Sergeants Union Doesn’t Exist.
The Hanover Township Board of Trustees passes a resolution declaring that Supervisor Mike Kelly has cooties.
Coincidentally, the Wayne Township Board of Trustees passes a similar resolution, although they declare that Supervisor Bill Newell both has cooties and eats worms.
Even more coincidentally, the Illinois General Assembly declares March “It’s a Bad Month To Be A Township Supervisor In Illinois When Your Board Is Full of Idiots Behaving Like Spoiled Ten Year Olds” month.
It is reported that, upon passing St. Charles Chief of Police James Lamkin and Human Resources Director Kathy Livernois in the midst of discussion, a St. Charles Police Sergeant hummed the theme from “The Loooove Boat” as he walked by. When asked by The Examiner what that was all about, the rirectot “no reason”.
Governor Rod Blagojevich offers pairs of official Illinois Governor boxers for sale to the general public, along with passes to Chuckie Cheese for the kiddies.
Having unsuccessfully interviewed to run for the Illinois Senate against Mike Nolan, and having decided, after some contemplation, not to run for the Illinois House (yet) against Fred Crespo, after accumulating weeks of experience as a village trustee, and having been named an alternate delegate for the Republican candidate for President, Jason Speer begins to devise the ultimate plan for political success: run for Village President in Streamwood and solicit the support of Hanover Township Democrats to make it happen. The first step toward a Speer Presidency in 2016 is thus taken.
The Hanover Township Board of Trustees passes a proclamation declaring that Supervisor Mike Kelly is a poo-poo head.
Coincidentally, Wayne Township Trustee Tom “Does This Beard Make Me Look Even More Arrogant Than I Actually Am? Because That’s What I Was Going For” Arends tries to play the “flaming bag of poo” trick on Supervisor Bill Newell. As Newell was confined to a wheelchair at the time, the effect is less than what was hoped.
With an Obama Presidency seemingly assured, interim Governor Rod Blagojevich offers to trade Obama’s Senate seat for a time-share.
After record floods drive residents out of low-lying areas, village crews rush to help former Bartlett Park District Commissioner (and full-time raving nut-ball) Dale Dwyer save his precious belongings. Did Dwyer thank the crews after they got his stuff to high ground? Of course he did!
He gave them Pez dispensers.
And no Dave Barry, I am not making this one up (for a change).
The City of St. Charles puts sergeants involved in organizing a union on lifetime latrine duty. “No reason,” explains City Manager Brian Townsend.
Omigod! Omigod! Omigod! It’s… “Change”!
Jason Speer, showing the courage of his convictions, votes not to adopt the “Goals and Objectives” document that establishes Streamwood’s priorities for 2009, since it didn’t include initiatives he thought were important.
Jason’s record of voting with the majority of the board remains unbroken, though Village President Billie Roth’s mysterious power of mind-control and the mickey she slipped into his drink may have had something to do with it.
George Ryan is informed that he’ll be getting a new cell-mate. Soon.
Stick around kids. It’s going to get ever weirder.