EXAMINER PUBLICATIONS – DECEMBER 24, 2008
By Rich Trzupek
The hottest free agent signing of 2008 has been completed. We’re not talking about the Yankees signing C.C. Sabathia here. The news is a lot bigger than that. The burning question that has kept you on pins and needles (and more pins) has finally been answered: where will your humble correspondent be blogging in 2009?
After considering dozens of offers, I am happy to announce that I signed a multi-year, incentive-laden deal with Threedonia.com, the heppest, hottest and cleverest blog on the internet. Also, we have toast.
This does not mean that yours truly is abandoning his spot on page eight of the Mighty Examiner, and you will always be able to find my columns on-line at my personal blog as well. But now, for the first time, you can now get a daily dose of Trzupek, along with a line-up of seven other regulars whom are almost as witty and clever as I (humor them) including: Rufus T. Firefly (whom has very petite feet), Floyd R. Turbo (no relation), CFKane (toastmaster general), JohnFNWayne (failed anger management), Eric Porvaznik (star of stage and screen), Outlaw13 (rugged Army chopper pilot in both Iraq wars and currently looking for a nice gal to adopt him), and Wankette (smart and witty, for a GIRL).
Most importantly, we have a clever community of regular readers who keep us on our toes. By way of introduction, I asked our regulars to participate in writing this week’s column, by writing a “progressive story” for our enjoyment. A shameless ploy to get out of work? You betcha, but it also gives me a chance to give you a feel for the glorious land that is Threedonia. Here’s what they came up with:
It was a dark and stormy night …
(Really, that was the first contribution).
(Sorry for interruption).
And the rain was pounding the eves. Madam Clinton was just putting her tea on, thinking of the year to come, rubbing her hands together in anticipation. In Chicago a house has one light one, the Kwanza tree’s lights glowing in the window, the fire place, lit with green energy faux wood logs sparked and snapped, as Obama also rubbed his hands together, snow whipping against the window panes. Outside the gates, a man stands wrapped in an old muffler, his peasant face covered in frost, calling out Barack, Barack……
“Oh, why won’t he just go away?” Clinton thought to herself. She sat down in her favorite chair, the one with the depression that was perfectly shaped to her rear after years of use – the one that Bill was NOT allowed to use. She flipped open her favorite book, “Tough Guys In Fedoras” and began to read…
In the old days your hard guys were either cops or prize fighters, and your hard guys gone bad were gangsters. These days nobody boxes like they used to and the cops ain’t got no glory. There are still gangsters, sure, but they’re all drug pushers and whiteslavers. Trafficking is the scene; drugs, people, guns still a little. The underworld is a sewer, and all the money has blood on it. The good guys are still poor, but their hands are tied so they go bad quick. You gotta break the system to make it work, but then your thanks is the system breaking you right back.
But you need the system. When you are in over your head, you know others do not want the system to fail and will step in to keep it running. You are not alone so you rely on those around you. Whether you are an important executive of a huge organization, or just writing a small column, you know that those around you will do your job for you. They will not let you down.
Ah, the system, the dreaded system. Ok, so he wants a column, just because he’s too lazy — says he’s tired and wants to go home. Everybody in the newsroom knows he’s up to no good. But we’ll do it, I’ve said I’ll take care it, being the team player. If only he knew. If only he suspected.
If the damn rain would stop then the rest of them would go home. I could get my mind wrapped around the words I want to use, that I need to use, to get MY message out, the system will work for me and the code will go out. And ha! it will be in the paper tomorrow and it will be under his name, but they will see it and they will know the meeting place is set.
Things all seemed to be going according to plan, and then she showed up. Being a newspaper man, I was a sucker for dames who were long winded; lots of words makes for easier edits. She had them all beat though, by a mile. She sauntered in with innocence on her face, bubble gum in her mouth, and all kinds of trouble on her mind. When she started with that first bubble, I smiled. It was cute. Then, with a an impish deftness she worked that second bubble inside the first and I felt my knees start to go. Even then, I kept my cool. It was that third, hot-red, devilish bubble that got me pulling back my collar to let out an engine’s worth of steam. By the fourth bubble, I was done. She had a veritable spherical babushka hanging from her mouth, all done up in soft pink, sticky goodness. There was no way I was making it to the rendezvous in the morning.
Now can you get content like that anywhere else? No, the answer is that anywhere else is out of stock of content of this kind.
So come pay a visit to the land of Threedonia, where the temperature is always balmy and the fun never stops.
(Thanks to Threedonian regulars: Texaclirose, Stephanie, John Milton – http://www.thefree-lancer.blogspot.com, billypaintbrush – http://www.marksin.com, and Kath for putting the story together. Great job guys!)