EXAMINER PUBLICATIONS – DECEMBER 10, 2008
By Rich Trzupek
It’s getting late. Time to start working on the Christmas list. Let’s see…
Soap on a rope? Nah, he’ll probably get a dozen of them this Christmas. Gotta be more creative than that.
Maybe a book. “The Illinois Governor’s Guide to the United States Penal System”? No. Surely he was given a copy when he was sworn in. “Yo Homeboy; You In Deep Now Brother – The Practical Guide to Jailhouse Slang”? Not bad, and certainly useful, but Rod doesn’t seem like the reading type.
Unfortunate that. It would be a real pleasure to send him a collection of all my columns about him, dating back to his first election, in which I have pointed out that he is a liar and a fraud. But the spirit of Christmas involves sacrifice and doing that would just involve too much pleasure.
Oh, what the hell. We’ll just go with the old stand-by: hair-gel. Prison or not, it’s important to keep one’s do in tip-top shape.
One thing we know for sure that Todd doesn’t need is more relatives, if that were even possible, given that everyone on the Cook County payroll seems to be related to Todd in some way, shape or form. Nor does Todd require additional proof that the majority of citizens in Cook County will vote for anyone, up to and including a hot, steaming pile of dog droppings, so long as said droppings are wrapped up in a bow labeled “Democrat”.
A pair of pants about four inches too short for him, along with a suspenders to hold them up is certainly apropos, but that has likely been done.
I’ve got it! A copy of the immortal fairy tale “The Goose That Laid the Golden Eggs”. While I doubt that Todd is quick enough understand the metaphor, as it relates to excessive taxes in Cook County, but there’s always the chance that Tim Schneider, or somebody else with something on the ball, will explain it to him.
The Hanover Township Clerk, fascinated as he is by positions of authority, is said to be the guy who came up with the idea of forming a Community Emergency Response Team in Hanover Township, staffed by citizens, just in case the cops, fire department, the state police, county sheriffs, neighboring municipalities and the National Guard are unavailable in the event of an emergency. You never know.
So what would be appropriate? Wait! I know. Three gifts for Brian:
And one bullet, to be kept in his shirt pocket.
-Kathy Livernois and James Lamkin
Easy. The St. Charles Human Resources Director and the St. Charles Police Chief will each get a gift certificate for the Sybaris. Don’t know why, but something tells me that they’ll each make good use of them.
Or maybe, all-expenses paid for trips to San Diego on the taxpayer’s dime. Hopefully that wouldn’t be a conflict of interest. They really hate conflicts of interest in St. Charles.
-General Motors, Ford and Chrysler
Fifteen billion dollars is a little out of my price range, so we’ll have to opt for Plan B. Plan B would consist of a copy of the classic “The Wizard of Oz” in hopes that the execs at the Big Three find themselves a little brains (to compete with Asian automakers), a little courage (to not yield to every demand that the UAW makes) and the heart to understand that we are now all in this together, so the brass needs to suck it up too.
-My Cub fan friends
A real lead-off hitter and some franchise dumb enough to take on Soriano’s salary, because if you’re stuck with “the Phons” in the leadoff slot again in ’09, you’re probably looking at “101 years and counting”.
Prison food. Call me cruel, but this man’s crimes as Governor and the scandals that rocked the Secretary of State’s office while he was in charge – scandals that resulted in innocent children dying – were a gross violation of the public trust. Those who strive for positions of power, and who make promises to win such offices, should be held to a higher standard. We may sympathize with Ryan’s age and his wife’s deteriorating health, but it’s called punishment for a reason, and in this case it is richly-deserved punishment. Ryan has never acknowledged, much less apologized, for his actions. It is sad to think of an old, sick George Ryan dying in prison. It’s sadder still to think of the children who were hurt, and the children who died, because of him.
-The Islamic Republic of Iran
A detailed inspection of your nuclear facilities by fighter-bombers from the Israel Defense Force.
-Our Loyal Examiner Readers
Peace on earth.
Good will toward man.
The classics never go out of style.