A View From the Cheap Seats

September 17, 2008

Feel The Love People

Filed under: Humor,Politics — trzupek @ 10:57 am
Who's crabby? It's all sunshine and smiles here!

Who's crabby? It's all sunshine and smiles here!

EXAMINER PUBLICATIONS – SEPTEMBER 17, 2009

By Rich Trzupek

In response to popular demands (“demand” actually) that I clean up my poddy-mouth, and in response to mass protests by liberals in Examinerland that I give their side equal time, your humble correspondent gives you this: The Nicest Column I’ll Ever Write.

It was a beautiful day in the land of Liberalia, on the isle of Perfectia, on the planet Love. It was always a beautiful day. For, in the land of Liberalia, on the isle of Perfectia, on the planet Love it was never too hot, nor too cold. It never rained at inconvenient times, and the gentle wind blowing across the rolling hills and fertile fields was always pleasant and never cold.

Everyone was nice to each other in the land of Liberalia, on the isle of Perfectia, on the planet Love. “Good day to you citizen,” they would say in greeting, receiving an automatic “and a very good day to you!” in return. There was a time, long ago, when they would say “good day to you sir” or “good day to you madam”, but, realizing that those greetings were sexist, and insensitive to those whose actual gender might not be reflected in their appearance, the Sexism Abolishment Act of 3048 forbade the practice. This was a GOOD thing, the citizens in the land of Liberalia, on the isle of Perfectia, on the planet Love concluded.

There were no rich citizens in the land of Liberalia, on the isle of Perfectia, on the planet Love, and of course, there were no poor citizen either. Everyone had just what they needed, not a bit more, not a bit less. And, since everyone had just what they needed, not a bit more, not a bit less, there was no need for money. If you needed something, you took it. And if someone else needed something, you gave it to them.

Everyone worked and everyone was happy to work in the land of Liberalia, on the isle of Perfectia, on the planet Love. But, nobody worked too hard, of course. It was well known that working too hard would make citizens who chose to work just hard enough, or worse, citizens who were unable to work very hard at all, feel badly about themselves. Making citizens feel badly about themselves, in any manner, was strictly forbidden in the land of Liberalia, on the isle of Perfectia, on the planet Love, by the Self Esteem Assurance Act of 3041.

There were no weapons, and no need for weapons, in the land of Liberalia, on the isle of Perfectia, on the planet Love. And, quite obviously, there were no armed forces. Indeed, there was no need for armed forces. The wise citizens in the land of Liberalia, on the isle of Perfectia, on the planet Love had long ago realized that armed forces were only necessary to fight in a war, and that wars were a means of settling disputes, and that disputes were the result of different groups of people believing in different things. So, it followed, the citizens in the land of Liberalia, on the isle of Perfectia, on the planet Love had decided, that everyone must either: a) believe in everything, or b) believe in nothing.

This was accomplished through a long series of Acts, including the Just Chill Out Act of 3038, the Stop Being Such A Meany Act of 3039, the Philosophical Thought Ban of 3040 (and subsequent amendments entitled the Yes We Really Mean It Act of 3040 and the Get With The Program, We’re Not Kidding Act of 3040), which strengthened the statute.

Religion had proved to be a vexing problem for the citizens in the land of Liberalia, on the isle of Perfectia, on the planet Love. The first solution, the Just Stop With All The Supernatural Stuff Already Act of 3042 was an utter failure. After it was repealed, under the Well That’s Not Going To Work – Never Mind Act of 3043, it was decided that the best solution was to bring all of the religions together, so that everyone could believe in everything.

Accordingly the Look, Who Really Cares But Lets Hedge Our Bets And Worship Everybody Because Someone Is Bound To Be Right Act of 3044 was enacted. This proved to be the perfect solution.

And so each Super-Happy Day (which replaced Sunday) the citizens of the land of Liberalia, on the isle of Perfectia, on the planet Love would gather together to honor all of the gods that had been identified, whether Christian, or Jewish, or Muslim, or Buddhist, or Hindu, or pagan, or whatever. Satan was honored of course, because it would plainly be discriminatory to leave devil-worshippers out, or to make them feel bad. And, it would have been unfair to leave out agnostics and atheists, so each ceremony included the idea that probably none of the gods or devils that had been worshipped actually existed, and – upon further reflection – they didn’t.

It was the perfect solution.

And so everyone was happy, all the time. How could they not? It was always a beautiful day. For, in the land of Liberalia, on the isle of Perfectia, on the planet Love it was never too hot, nor too cold. It never rained at inconvenient times, and the gentle wind blowing across the rolling hills and fertile fields was always pleasant and never cold.

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2 Comments »

  1. You just described a Walgreen’s world Rich!

    That was hilarious stuff as always my good man!

    Comment by Wild Bill — September 17, 2008 @ 2:12 pm | Reply

  2. Rich, you rock! Yes, we cannot be happy until there is no change, no differences.

    You need to be syndicated.

    Onward!

    Comment by Stevey From Hoffman — September 23, 2008 @ 9:56 am | Reply


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