EXAMINER PUBLICATIONS – MAY 14, 2008
By Rich Trzupek
It would seem that we have elected our next President, albeit that we still have to go through the formalities of November. Barack Obama would not have been my first choice, nor my second. Come to think of it, he would have ranked somewhere between Ralph Malph from Happy Days and Mr. Haney from Green Acres, but here we are, with a New President, who has New Ideas and it’s time to get with The Program.
And The Program is about Believing In Something. It’s about Healing. And, most of all, it’s about Hope. Not just any kind of hope, mind you, but Audacious Hope. Get rid of that Ludicrous Hope, America. Shed your Atrocious Hope. Forget your Obnoxious Hope. We WILL be Healed. We CAN Believe. Together, we MUST Change, if only we have the audacity to –
(well, you know)
Let us pray…
I Hope that President Obama does not sneer at capitalism, but rather embraces it. I Hope that he doesn’t really Believe that we would be better off if pharmaceutical companies didn’t make a profit, or if less-fortunate Americans didn’t have access to the less-expensive commodities that come with free trade, because I Believe that when you combine protectionism with socialism, you’re pretty much getting the worst of both worlds.
I Hope that the future First Lady, Michelle Obama, can put aside the self-loathing she expresses time and again for daring to have middle class roots and for having worked for corporate America, for I Believe that a great many of us in the middle class kind of depend of corporate America to put food on the table, and I further Believe that – while it would be Absolutely Fabulous if we could all be community activists as Ms. Obama wishes – somebody needs to actually generate the money that community activists spend.
I Hope that our future Greatest President in the History of Presidents can base his foreign policy on what he believes is right, not on what the rest of the world thinks of us, for I Believe that all of this talk about “the rest of the world hating us” is about as relevant as a condom dispenser in a convent. I Believe that you do what is right, because it’s right, not because it’s popular, and I Hope that this particular “Parenting 101” lesson is required reading for anyone who lives at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.
I Hope that I can somehow arrange to bowl against Oprah’s Anointed for money, for, while I’m nobody’s Earl Anthony (hell, I’m not even anyone’s Carmen Salvino), I’ll put up at least one of my stepsons on my ability to top Obama’s score of 37 (achieved during a recent “hey look, I’m a regular guy!” media shoot), for I Believe that a blind, drunk, arthritic Bassett Hound could beat that.
I Hope that The Chosen One is kidding when he says he wants to negotiate with thugs like Hamas and Iran’s theocracy, for I Believe that legitimizing liars and murderers will cause more misery, for more people, than almost anything else he could do.
I Hope that Hollywood’s Darling is able to shed his poorly-concealed disdain for Israel, for I Believe that every dollar spent in supporting our most loyal ally in the world’s most troubled region is an investment returned many times over, in terms of support, in terms of a military presence to counter-balance the crazies and in terms of intelligence that has saved countless lives.
I Hope that America’s Savior can forget his roots in Chicago politics and can ignore the siren’s call of hucksters like Tony Rezko, Emil Jones and Jessie Jackson Jr., to whom he owes so much, for I Believe that nowhere is “politics as usual” quite so “as usual” as it is in the Windy City.
I am not sure what to Hope when it comes to His Eminence’s sordid history with the Reverend Jeremiah Wright. Should I Hope that He was asleep in church for the past twenty years, when Wright was preaching, as the good Reverend was espousing separation and hatred as part of a race-centered “theology” that made persecution, conspiracy and bitterness the focal point of his teaching?
Or, should I Hope that this was all His bad dream somehow, and that Our Hero has now awakened, a modern-day Dorothy, only to realize that all of his pre-conceptions were wrong and He now knows what truly matters? I don’t Believe that I can figure this one out. Politicians, more than anyone, are judged by the company they keep. This one, albeit that He is The One, has shown spectacularly bad judgment at the very least, or incredible arrogance and cynicism at the worst.
And so a brave new world awaits.
I Hope that it’s a happy one.
But I Believe that we’re in for some rough times.
And I Hope that, whatever happens, I will be able to find comfort by buying a gun and going to church.