By Rich Trzupek
Fads come. Fads go. Staying ahead of the latest trend curve takes some doing. Here at the Cheap Seats researchers are working round the clock to keep you, our faithful readers, in touch.
It’s always painful to see someone who has fallen hopelessly behind. Don’t we all cringe when we see somebody sporting a Florence Henderson hairdo thirty years after it was cool? Assuming it was ever cool, that is.
In order to avoid similar faux pas, we present, as a public service, those fashionable trends that have long ago outlived their usefulness:
Isn’t it time to declare a moratorium on the issuance of personalized license plates? Sure they were happenin for awhile. My favorite was a woman who owned an ultra long-nosed E-type Jaguar (the E-type of James Bond fame, for you 007 geeks). The license plate? “PNS NV.”
But, as all of the clever and amusing combinations of seven characters or less have been consumed, vanity plates have degenerated from the delightfully ridiculous to the yawningly stupid.
Identifying one’s car with a plate like “LEXUS 7”, for example, is absolutely pointless. We can see that you’re driving a Lexus buddy. It’s just a little sad that you’re the only one on the road who needs to look at your license plate to confirm the fact.
Once they (whomever “they” are), tried to spread this fashion disaster to men, we should have known it was over.
In my ancient youth, any leggings that ended short of the shoe top (and weren’t shorts) were called “floods”. As in: your pants are high enough to let you walk through a flood without getting anything but your shoes wet.
And yes, I’ll admit that they didn’t look too bad on the fairer sex. But that’s hardly a ringing endorsement. Most women would be attractive to us if they were clad in a trash bag. It’s time to move on.
The Enormous Fresh Pepper Mill
Anything so large that it requires two employees to operate and has the capability to leave a dent in your skull is not a condiment dispenser, it’s a weapon.
You’d think that if a guy who was elected president in 1976 doesn’t have the common decency to die already, he’d at least stop hanging out with corpses like Castro.
The idea of larger than large traces its roots back to “This is Spinal Tap”, the movie that introduced the concept of “11”.
The film was being sarcastic. Fast food restaurants are not. They’ve even created classes of super size. Should I order a “regular super size”, “big messy super size”, or “enough fries to feed a mid-sized European nation super size”? Just give me my food.
I don’t care any more. I don’t care if Luke is Leia’s sister who is Anakan’s daughter who could have been a good guy if he weren’t such a bastard and wasn’t corrupted by the emporer, whoever he is, and that R2D2 is so darn cute and C3PO is a prissy old lady and Yoda is a little green freak.
I just don’t care.
First of all, we were promised that the tollways would be paid for almost half a century ago. Second, the dolts who don’t have toll money always end up in front of me, frantically trying to cut across three lanes of I-Pass Lane traffic. (Should people be driving a car if they don’t have eighty cents to their name?) Finally, the people who collect the tolls are very, very scary. That’s three strikes. Toll booths should be out.
Wacky, Goofy Answering Machine Messages
If I want comedy, I’ll either try to balance my checkbook, or just watch the Cubbies.
Wings on Cars
Unless you’re doing 150 mph, they’re useless. In other words, for those who don’t regularly drive I-294, there’s no point to the things.
The Rhythm Method
Any system that counts on males having a sense of rhythm, not to mention any portion of self-control, is truly kidding itself.
The “Unbiased” Media
Guess what? The news gets reported by human beings, not robots, and human beings have opinions. Trying to pretend that those opinions don’t exist and that they don’t influence the way the media (including this fine publication – but we don’t try and hide the fact, now do we?) presents the news is the sort of blind, foolish trust that’s normally the exclusive domain of puppy love and politics.
Sympathy for the Palestinian Cause
They’re not the first group to have a national grievance. They’re not the only people to struggle for a homeland. They have, however, sunk the concepts of propaganda, lies, terror, and murder to a new low.
It’s hard to have sympathy for whatever injustices they might have suffered when their only means of expressing their discontent always seems to involve the words “blow up”.
Da Suburban “Hood”
Difficult as it is to underestimate the stupidity of the teen-aged male, this one suprised even me, and I set new world and Olympic records for teen-aged male stupidity in my day.
I thought it was a joke when I recently heard a suburban kid desperately trying to sound like he was raised in the projects, but my teen-aged daughter assures me that it’s all the rage among certain segments of high-schooldom.
Guys, in the first place you sound like spoiled, wanna-be morons. But more importantly, you live in the freaking suburbs! Speaking as a guy who actually rode the Dan Ryan L to high school, if you ever tried that kind of posing in the real hood, you would get your butts most soundly kicked. Give it a rest.
There are more, but that’s all the space will allow for today. If you’ve got your own thoughts on the issue, drop us a line. We’re here to serve.