EXAMINER PUBLICATIONS – JANUARY 9, 2008
By Rich Trzupek
Call me old and crabby, but 2007 was a year chock full of idiots. There was so much moronic behavior it was hard to keep track, but we’ll try our best.
•Their Mothers Must Be Proud Award
How to choose among the unholy, brain-dead trio of Britney Spears, Paris Hilton and Lindsey Lohan? Whether it was parading around Hollywood without undies, getting drunk, getting drunk and driving, or shaving Britney’s head, these three young women proved that they couldn’t even be a role model in a bordello.
•Best Book That Never Was Award
OJ’s non-confession, confession was a shoo-in for this one, until it was revealed that Britney’s mom, Lynn Spears, was poised to release a book on parenting, which would have kind of been like Osama bin Laden releasing a book on the humanitarian treatment of prisoners.
•Quit Stallin’ Award
Senator Larry Craig played footsie in a restroom stall, which ultimately led him to resign, then not to resign, then to re-resign-we think. It’s really hard to keep track. Best advice for Senator Craig: hold it till you get home.
•Best Performance by a Giant Head Award
Barry Bonds broke Hank Aaron’s hallowed homerun record, then threatened never to set foot in the Hall of Fame if the ball that broke the record-now labeled with an asterisk-is put on display in Cooperstown. Let’s see here: by displaying the asterisk ball we get to mock Bonds and we ensure that balloon-head never sets foot in the Hall? Sounds like the definition of “win-win.”
•Standards Schmandards Award
Chinese toys with lead paint? Go figure. American manufacturers have long known that the global playing field is hardly level and no doubt a whole lot of them got a chuckle over this incident. Now if we can just convince China to adopt our environmental and workplace standards and do a little collective bargaining.
•At Least She Didn’t Carjack the Shuttle Award
A love triangle, between astronauts? It was a plot that even soap opera fans would have found implausible, but the Lisa Nowak incident was classic drama. It’s only a matter of time before Nowak shows up on a reality show this year. Hopefully (and unlike her horrendous mug shot) she’ll remember to wear make up this time around.
•Never Trust a Bad Beard Award
Iran’s President Ahmadinejad swears that his nation has no interest in building nuclear weapons, except of course for the fact that it’s building a nuclear reactor, has been researching bomb designs and advanced delivery systems, and has pledged to wipe Israel off of the map. So why wouldn’t we believe him?
•Did You Read Your Own Report Award
The authors of the National Intelligence Estimate, who had access to all of the above information (and lots more) concluded that Iran does not pose a nuclear threat to the world. Uh-huh. This report was obviously written by the same idiots who believed a certain German dictator when he said in 1938, that he had no designs on Poland.
•What Are You Dopes Smokin’ Award
“Al Gore wins a Nobel Prize.” There are six words that you never though would appear in the same sentence. Unless, of course, the Nobel Prize committee established a category to honor “failed divinity students who don’t understand squat about real science but are very talented in exploiting fear and ignorance in order to push forward a theory that is more discredited every year by more and more scientists even though the mainstream media is too stupid to realize it.” That may be what’s actually written on Gore’s award, but-somehow-I doubt it.
•Aid and Comfort to the Enemy Award
There are so many possibilities here. There was Hillary, essentially accusing General Petreaus of lying by claiming that the surge is working, when-three months later-it turned out he was exactly right.
There was Congressman John Muthra, shameless accusing three brave Marines of war crimes and then, when those accusations proved to be utterly false, the SOB didn’t have the stones to even apologize.
It’s hard not to pick Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi who, in an effort to show her support for the military, put up a picture of a soldier on her website.
A Canadian soldier.
(Talk aboot irony, eh?)
But, at the end of the day, our favorite-and in many ways most reprehensible-statement about Iraq came from goofball Senator Harry Reed who said simply: “The war is lost.” Nothing helps the troops more than running up the white flag Harry. Thanks a bunch.
It was a weird year, and 2008 promises to be even weirder.
Personally, I can’t wait.