A View From the Cheap Seats

November 28, 2007

Spraying to All Fields


By Rich Trzupek

•But Will He Give Back the Nobel Prize?

One of the frequent criticisms of this reporter’s global warming opinions is the claim that such opinions reflect the view of a tiny, unscientific minority. That’s not true, for thousands of scientists are equally skeptical-not that the media seems to notice. Still, the critics continue to bury their heads in green sand.

Now a British High Court has weighed in on the issue, ruling that Al Gore’s pseudo-scientific film, An Inconvenient Truth, is partisan, political and riddled with hyperbole and factual errors. The ruling prohibits British schools from showing the film to students without an explicit disclaimer, saying that science does not support many of Gore’s claims.

The court listed “a long schedule of such alleged errors or exaggerations,” including claims that sea levels will rise by 20 feet, that polar bears are dying due to receding sea ice and that the Antarctic and Greenland ice caps are melting.

Hooray for Britain. If only the media in this country had the coverage, and intelligence, to dispassionately weigh the evidence too.

•They’re Persons, Not People.

Individuals cannot own hand guns in Washington D.C., under a city ordinance that blatantly flouts the 2nd Amendment. The city has tried to work around that annoying constitutional provision by claiming that the “people” referenced in the 2nd Amendment’s right to bear arms refers to the nation as a whole, not to any particular individual.

In other words, according to the legal scholars in the District of Columbia, the government may buy a gun, as representative of the “people,” but actual persons can be prohibited from owning one.

That sound you hear is the founding father’s whirling around in their graves. This is convoluted logic and both the Circuit Court and Appeals Court recognized it as such. The Bill of Rights was established to protect individual rights, not collective ideals, as my junior high civics student could tell you.

The case now moves up to the U.S. Supreme Court, which is expected to administer another whuppin’ on D.C. There is a silver lining though. The District suffers from some of the highest murder and crime rate in the nation. Once the gun ban is rescinded, history shows that both will decline.

•Just Ducky.

And speaking of firearms, is the City of St. Charles campaigning to be Washington D.C.’s sister city? As reported in this publication’s St. Charles’ edition, the city has effectively banned duck hunters from the Fox River, a move that is-at best-underhanded and appears to many to be both unconstitutional and illegal.

Hunters are appalled, as well they should be. But non-hunters should be concerned as well. When government successfully tramples on the rights of minority interests, in order to make cronies happy, it won’t be long until a right dear to you comes under fire.

There’s more on this story to come and it’s not pretty. Stay tuned.

•Bearly Watchable.

The abysmal performance of the Midgets of the Midway this year comes as no surprise to this reporter. The root cause of the problem is obvious, though everyone seems to be ignoring it.

Think about it. We’ve got a head coach who spouts toneless, meaningless drivel. Our star middle linebacker has been reduced to monosyllabic answers. The team’s running back of the future is incapable of running more than three yards without pitching forward on his nose, even though he routinely shredded enemy defenses in college.

What more evidence do we need? The real Bears have obviously been abducted by space aliens from the planet Zoltron, who have left a bumbling collection of hastily constructed imitations behind.

It’s all so very clear now. The design of the new Soldier Field was no coincidence. Many have noticed how it looks like a space ship. That’s not quite it. The stadium has been designed as a space ship landing pad. We can only pray that the real Bears manage to find their way home.

•Really Bad Santa.

A recruiting firm reportedly told its clients, hired to play the role of Santa Claus in Sydney, Australia, not to greet visitors with the traditional “ho, ho, ho.” The company told the Santas to substitute “ha, ha, ha” instead.

The reason for the switch? Supposedly “ho, ho, ho” could frighten children and, worse, calls to mind a slang term for prostitutes.

Many kids are frightened of Santa at a young age, and well they should be. If a five-year-old is scared of a giant dude in a weird suit who wants them to sit on his lap, that kid probably has his head on straight.

And, if Santa’s “ho, ho, ho” reminds a woman of prostitution, there’s probably a reason for that.

It’s a weird world kids-and it’s only going to get weirder.


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