EXAMINER PUBLICATIONS – NOVEMBER 7, 2007
By Rich Trzupek
Allow me to offer the one foolproof solution to the goose overpopulation problem: we should register each and every goose as a Republican voter. Once that happens Congress won’t waste a moment declaring year-round open season on goose hunting. Viola! Problem solved.
Alas, it is unlikely that we will adopt such a common sense solution. Genius is a lonely burden to bear.
Still we have to figure something out. Geese are out of control and annoying as hell. At least they’re annoying the hell out of me and it is, to be sure, all about me.
I grind my teeth into nubs every time I have to come to a screeching halt on a busy street, waiting for the feathered parade to slowly saunter across the roadway. If they can’t learn to cross at the light, is it really too much trouble to ask them to utilize the one gift that God bestowed on the slobs: their ever-lovin’ wings?
The damn birds don’t even have to be physically present to annoy. On the golf course, I’ve had to carefully clear out a path in a minefield of goose poop on the green more than once. I’m not blaming my abysmal short game on the things, but I hit the links largely to get away from the crap life has to offer, not to immerse myself in it.
You might think that I’ve spent too much time thinking about geese lately, and you’d be entirely correct. Senility sets in early in the Trzupek clan. Might as well embrace it. But it gets worse.
For thinking about the goose problems leads me to think about the solutions that have been proposed to solve it. The obvious answer, extending the goose-hunting season and increasing limits, is always rejected. That solution, for some, is “inhumane.”
There is one accepted, “humane” solution among the people who worry about these things: egg shaking. For those unfamiliar with the concept, egg-shaking is a four-step process: 1.) Find goose eggs. 2.) Pick up goose eggs. 3.) Shake goose eggs. 4.) Hold funeral for dead geese.
Why in the world, I wondered, is this method of killing geese acceptable, while blasting them with a 12-gauge is verboten? And then the answer hit me so clearly: it’s because we don’t have to look at any dead geese.
Can it be anything else? The geese are just as dead. In one case, we have a carcass. In the other, the dead goose is neatly contained within a shell, where no one has any visual evidence of the death. We can even convince ourselves that it wasn’t a goose at all. Maybe it was just a pre-embryonic mass of cells. Nobody knows. Nobody will ever know, so who cares?
This is, of course, the logic of abortion. Unfortunately, humans don’t conveniently produce babies in hard-shelled eggs. The female equivalent is the womb, where development is hidden from view. We can’t see what goes on there, so many people are able to convince themselves that it doesn’t matter.
People who support abortion say it’s about “a woman’s right to privacy,” but that’s simply rationalization. A woman’s privacy safeguards abortion supporters’ ignorance. They don’t have to think about what’s happening in the womb because they’ve convinced themselves that it doesn’t matter.
We know this because the Pro Choice crowd goes ballistic whenever Pro Lifers show what happens inside the womb. Pro Choice advocates say that pictures of embryos and partial birth abortions are inflammatory-that they prey on frail human emotions.
I don’t get it. Why doesn’t the visual evidence matter? If an aborted fetus looks like “this,” then we should be able to deal with that visual evidence. That’s reality. Hiding from the evidence, wherever it leads, is the height of intellectual dishonesty.
This is not to suggest that we should not have sympathy for the young mother in trouble, and the unwed mother who made a mistake. How could we not feel for them? But it’s not an either/or equation. We’re allowed to care about both the mother and the child. Pretending that the child doesn’t exist, because we can not see him or her, is the moral equivalent of sticking one’s head in the sand.
Nobody wants to support death, obviously. So, in order to avoid that, people create an alternate reality where death doesn’t happen, even when it does. Shake an egg, or abort a fetus, people convince themselves that life never existed in the first place. It’s a convenient rationalization, even if it’s not rational logic at all.
It’s simple evidence, and nothing else. A dead goose is a dead goose, whether we can see a corpse or not. And an aborted fetus is every bit as dead as an infant who gets tossed in a dumpster. Pretending that there’s a difference doesn’t solve any problems, it only diminishes us.