A View From the Cheap Seats

August 22, 2007

Lots of Lists

Filed under: Family,Humor,Politics,Random Poop,Sports — trzupek @ 1:17 pm


Lists For All
By Rich Trzupek
Lists keep a disordered world in order. Just another public service, courtesy of The Cheap Seats.

The Top Five Excuses Your Kid Gives When You Find Something Destroyed in Your Home:

5. “It wasn’t me, it was (my brother/sister/dog, or intruder).”

4. “We never use that anyway.”

3. “I saw those on sale at Target. What’s the big deal?

2. “You didn’t feel the earthquake?”

1. “Mmmph.”

It has not been the best season to be a White Sox fan. OK, it’s been bloody awful. Not only do our beloved stink worse than a Beano convention, the hated North Siders appear to be on their way to a Division title. How to cope? Let’s consider:

The Top 10 Reasons Why Sox Fans Are Still Superior to Cubs Fans:

10. We can actually drive–and park–at our ball park.

9. Also, we can go to the bathroom without waiting for five innings. (And yeah, that includes sell-outs.)
8. Corey Patterson.

7. Bobby Hill.

6. Shawon Dunston.

5. Our curse (since broken) was centered on a team that won the pennant and featured one of baseball’s all-time greatest hitters. The Cubs’ curse is all about a goat.

4. Shawon Dunston.

3. We haven’t had a player cold-cock an opposing player one year and then get into a fight with our team’s star pitcher in, like, forever.

2. Corky Sosa’s bat, split in two pieces, lying on the field. Oops.

1. And, best of all, even if the Cubbies do make the playoffs, won’t their inevitable self-destruction in October be all the sweeter? Bartman lives!

Going on eight years with The Mighty Examiner, your humble correspondent has written about or heard many a story that left me speechless. OK, not speechless, but just friggin’ amazed. Here’s my:

Top 5 Favorite Silly Stories (names have been omitted to protect the goofy):

5. Association Abuse–This one involved a homeowner’s association who told a lady that she had painted her deck the wrong color. Said woman dutifully repainted her deck and then was presented with a bill for $10,000 in attorney’s fees by the association. It’s great to be an association attorney in America, ain’t it?

4. A Moldy Oldie–St. Charles East High School ripped their facility apart, spent millions and closed the school for a time in order to remove mold from the building. The school was at the forefront of a multi-million dollar mold panic industry but, somehow, mold has not yet been eradicated from the planet. Run away!

3. Wrist Bound-In successive years, the Director of St Charles RiverFest has utlized the services of the police and the Knights of Columbus to distribute wrist bands for those who consume alcohol. The cops and Knights charged a fee for the wristbands, using the money raised for charity. A pretty nice story, no? It was, until said Director put the arm on both groups for a cut of the take.

Don Corleione would have been proud..

2. Oh Crap–In the wonderful Village of Wayne, the Village Board once debated a grave problem: a stable operator was piling horse poop on adjoining property, creating a noxious odor problem. This gave rise to our favorite headline ever: “Village Board Raises A Stink Over Manure Piles.” Now that’s quality journalism.

1. Just Charge It–With the State of Illinois billions in debt, hopelessly behind in Medicaid payments and grabbing every dollar from state pension funds it could, a state senatorial candidate pronounced the state budget “balanced.” As Lincoln noted, you can fool “some of the people, some of the time” and, once in while, that’s all you need to get elected.

Sure we’re a tad conservative here in The Cheap Seats. Or, as some correspondents have styled it: “Trzupek is a right-wing nut job– cancel my subscription!” Sigh. Oh, well. We’re still lovable, aren’t we? In any case, here are:

The Top 5 Reasons Why Democrats are Out of Touch:

5. Jimmy Carter.

4. Walter Mondale.

3. Michael Dukakis.

2. Al Gore.

1. John Kerry.

Dis-Honorable Mention (not sure if this should fit in the “silly story” category or the “Dem bashing” category): Cook County Cigarette Taxes. Let’s see, the county raises cigarette taxes (even it bans smoking) in order to raise revenue. This promptly drives cigarette smokers out of the county to buy smokes, so revenues don’t actually go up.

The county’s response? Raise taxes some more. Ohhh-kaay. If you’re looking for Democrats who understand supply and demand, visit the graves of John F. Kennedy and Harry S. Truman. It’s pretty much downhill from there.

Now the state of the world, with suicide bombers blowing up everywhere and painful airport security measures designed to make sure we aren’t carrying C-4 in our Nikes, frustrates everyone. Given the fact that the public’s memory extends for little more than 72 hours, we tend to blame the situation on the powers-that-be. That’s true whether you’re a Democrat pointing at Bush, or a Republican blaming Clinton.

In reality, the roots of today’s crises run far, far deeper. If we want to truly find the reasons for today’s terror, we have to go back to the late 70s.

James Earl Carter is, by all accounts, a terribly decent man. He is also terribly naïve. That innocent, idealistic naïveté would have been welcomed in a world ruled by equally principled leaders. It’s not. We live in a world that is largely led by rogues, which is why any President of the United States has to have a little rogue in him or her to be effective.

Carter was the United State’s Neville Chamberlin: a basically good man who did enormous damage to the free world. He was so determined to embrace his enemies and to perfect his friends that he could not see that an imperfect friend did far more to further his cause than a sweet-talking despot. Which leads us to:

The Top 5 Reasons That Jimmy Carter Was the Worst President of the Twentieth Century:

5. Carter accepted, at face value, the Ayatollah Khomeini’s promises that he would bring a liberal, democratic regime to Iran. This led Carter to:

4. Withdraw support for our ally, the Shah of Iran, and to encourage the Islamic revolution that Khomeini wanted. Once in power,

3. Khomeini’s followers over-ran the U.S. Embassy in Tehran, holding U.S. hostages for over a year, while Carter did virtually nothing to punish Iran. This ignited fundamentalist Muslims, convincing them that the “Great Satan” could be defeated and simultaneously,

2. Forcing our allies in the region to run for cover, because we had shown that we could not be trusted when the chips were down. As a result, we now have:

1. An Iran that openly supports mayhem in Iraq, attacks on civilians in Israel, radical Islamic revolution throughout the world and, oh yeah, is happily developing the capability to produce nuclear weapons.

Thanks Jimmy. It would have been much better for the free world if you had stuck to growing peanuts.



  1. The Top 5 Reasons Why Reflublicans are Out to Lunch:

    5. Newt “Hypocrite” Gingrich. Rudy “Making Millions Exploiting 9/11” Guiliani. Mittens “Flip Flop” Romney. Scooter “Jailbird” Libby. Alberto “I Don’t Recall” Gonzales. Karl “Swift Boat” Rove.

    4. Trent “Segregation is Good” Lott.

    3. Tom “I Never Saw a Bribe I Wouldn’t Pocket” Delay.

    2. Shooter Cheney.

    1. Dubya Bush.

    Comment by Poindexter — September 28, 2007 @ 8:24 am | Reply

  2. Top five reasons dems are out to lunch
    5. Robert “Sheets” Byrd
    4. Sandy “Burglar” Berger
    3. Bill ‘I didn’t have sex with that woman, i don’t lie” Clinton
    2. Howard ‘Primal Scream” Dean
    1. Hillary “I cry for me” Clinton

    Comment by Wild Bill — January 12, 2008 @ 11:26 am | Reply

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