EXAMINER PUBLICATIONS – JULY 4, 2007
A VIEW FROM THE CHEAP SEATS
Founders Day Follies
By: Rich Trzupek
Yeah, everybody hates history (with the notable exception of your humble correspondent). But it’s our birthday, for goodness sakes. Ought not we remember the glories of 200+ years ago, when the nation was young and the future was bright?
As I recall, it went a little something like this:
King George III: Damn those freeloading colonists! They get all the perks and they pay us squat. It’s time they kicked in a few pounds to the royal treasury.
Lord North: Are you suggesting that we tax the colonists? Your majesty–are you mad?
King George III: Not for another 20 years.
Lord North: Very well. I suppose you have a point. How’s about we make them buy a stamp to stick on every contract and legal-type document?
King George III: Bully!
Thomas Paine: Suck an egg King.
Lord North: That was unfortunate. Let’s rethink this. Perhaps we should tax some luxury or another. Beer or whiskey maybe?
King George III: I told you: I’m not mad yet. If we tax an American’s booze, we might just as well beat ourselves with a ball- peen hammer. What else you got?
Lord North: I understand your Majesty. Something a bit – ah – less vital to the colonists. How’s about tea?
King George III: Excellent! There’s a good chap.
Sam Adams: You know what you can do with your bloody tea king? Drink this!
Oh, and by the way, I’m a brewer AND a patriot!
Lord North: This means war!
Continental Congress: Yeah, whatever.
Lord Howe: We will crush you, rebels!
Isaac Prescott: Yeah? Just try climbing this here Bunker Hill.
Lord Howe: Or not.
George Washington: Good Lord–it’s bloody cold here in Valley Forge. Can’t anyone send us any blankets or something? A few pairs of gloves would be nice for crying out loud.
Continental Congress: Sorry, old bean, but we’re quite occupied harumphing and denouncing the King.
Thomas Jefferson: The King sucks!
Continental Congress: Write that down Jefferson.
George Washington: Fine. If you jerks aren’t going to help, I suppose we’ll just go kill some Hessians.
Hessiansi: Gott in Himmel! We’re dead!
General Burgoyne: Hessians, schmessians. Who needs ‘em? I’ll just march my army down from Canada, join up with Howe and smash the rebels.
General Howe: So sorry old chap, but I’m terribly busy at the moment.
General Burgoyne: Oh bother! Never mind then. I’ll take care of this myself. After all, who do the colonists have to stop me? Not that wimp Gates.
Benedict Arnold: Shove it up your Saratoga Gentlemen Johnny.
General Burgoyne: Bloody hell.
Continental Congress: Nice going men. Great job. Excellent work Gates. Oh, and Arnold–behave yourself or we’ll have to reprimand most severely.
Benedict Arnold: Screw that noise. I’m outta here.
King Louie: Mon Dieu! Ze colonists, zey keek ze English butts, no? Ve must join in with zis butts kicking.
Continental Congress: Good news Washington, the French are joining the war!
George Washington: Come again.
Continental Congress: The French. They are our allies now!
George Washington: The French?
Continental Congress: Right!
George Washington: On our side?
Continental Congress: Right!
George Washington: So we’re surrendering then?
Continental Congress: No, no, no. They’re fighting with us old man. You know, soldiers, guns, ships–the whole deal.
George Washington: Well there’s something you don’t see every day. Maybe we can get them to throw a statue in with the deal.
Continental Congress: Workin’ on it.
Lord Cornwallis: If we can’t beat ‘em north, we’ll beat ‘em down south. I’ll just head over to Yorktown here and wait for the fleet…
George Washington: Gotcha.
Lord Cornwallis: Crap.
Continental Congress: Most excellent. Now that we’ve won, who’s going to pay for all this?
Colonists: Don’t even think of trying to tax us you bastards.
Continental Congress: No problem. We’ll just wait a couple hundred years for that.
And that’s the way it all happened kids, or so I recall.
Happy Birthday America, here’s wishing you many, many more.