A View From the Cheap Seats

July 4, 2007

Founder’s Day Follies

Filed under: Humor — trzupek @ 2:17 am


Founders Day Follies
By: Rich Trzupek

Yeah, everybody hates history (with the notable exception of your humble correspondent). But it’s our birthday, for goodness sakes. Ought not we remember the glories of 200+ years ago, when the nation was young and the future was bright?

As I recall, it went a little something like this:

King George III: Damn those freeloading colonists! They get all the perks and they pay us squat. It’s time they kicked in a few pounds to the royal treasury.

Lord North: Are you suggesting that we tax the colonists? Your majesty–are you mad?

King George III: Not for another 20 years.

Lord North: Very well. I suppose you have a point. How’s about we make them buy a stamp to stick on every contract and legal-type document?

King George III: Bully!

Thomas Paine: Suck an egg King.

Lord North: That was unfortunate. Let’s rethink this. Perhaps we should tax some luxury or another. Beer or whiskey maybe?

King George III: I told you: I’m not mad yet. If we tax an American’s booze, we might just as well beat ourselves with a ball- peen hammer. What else you got?

Lord North: I understand your Majesty. Something a bit – ah – less vital to the colonists. How’s about tea?

King George III: Excellent! There’s a good chap.

Sam Adams: You know what you can do with your bloody tea king? Drink this!
Oh, and by the way, I’m a brewer AND a patriot!

Lord North: This means war!

Continental Congress: Yeah, whatever.

Lord Howe: We will crush you, rebels!

Isaac Prescott: Yeah? Just try climbing this here Bunker Hill.

Lord Howe: Or not.

George Washington: Good Lord–it’s bloody cold here in Valley Forge. Can’t anyone send us any blankets or something? A few pairs of gloves would be nice for crying out loud.

Continental Congress: Sorry, old bean, but we’re quite occupied harumphing and denouncing the King.

Thomas Jefferson: The King sucks!

Continental Congress: Write that down Jefferson.

George Washington: Fine. If you jerks aren’t going to help, I suppose we’ll just go kill some Hessians.

Hessiansi: Gott in Himmel! We’re dead!

General Burgoyne: Hessians, schmessians. Who needs ‘em? I’ll just march my army down from Canada, join up with Howe and smash the rebels.

General Howe: So sorry old chap, but I’m terribly busy at the moment.

General Burgoyne: Oh bother! Never mind then. I’ll take care of this myself. After all, who do the colonists have to stop me? Not that wimp Gates.

Benedict Arnold: Shove it up your Saratoga Gentlemen Johnny.

General Burgoyne: Bloody hell.

Continental Congress: Nice going men. Great job. Excellent work Gates. Oh, and Arnold–behave yourself or we’ll have to reprimand most severely.

Benedict Arnold: Screw that noise. I’m outta here.

King Louie: Mon Dieu! Ze colonists, zey keek ze English butts, no? Ve must join in with zis butts kicking.

Continental Congress: Good news Washington, the French are joining the war!

George Washington: Come again.

Continental Congress: The French. They are our allies now!

George Washington: The French?

Continental Congress: Right!

George Washington: On our side?

Continental Congress: Right!

George Washington: So we’re surrendering then?

Continental Congress: No, no, no. They’re fighting with us old man. You know, soldiers, guns, ships–the whole deal.

George Washington: Well there’s something you don’t see every day. Maybe we can get them to throw a statue in with the deal.

Continental Congress: Workin’ on it.

Lord Cornwallis: If we can’t beat ‘em north, we’ll beat ‘em down south. I’ll just head over to Yorktown here and wait for the fleet…

George Washington: Gotcha.

Lord Cornwallis: Crap.

Continental Congress: Most excellent. Now that we’ve won, who’s going to pay for all this?

Colonists: Don’t even think of trying to tax us you bastards.

Continental Congress: No problem. We’ll just wait a couple hundred years for that.

And that’s the way it all happened kids, or so I recall.

Happy Birthday America, here’s wishing you many, many more.


1 Comment »

  1. I am sorry, but what research have you done on wicca? did you research what we do in actual rituals? or did you just hear it from the locals that those damn wiccans are trying to conjure mermaids and pixies again. The rituals are based on the elements, and they celebrate full moons, equinoxes, soltices, harvests, etc. this isn’t stpuid, this is nature. and what, may I ask, is your religion? because i am sure there are some stupid things in your religion too. Not all wiccans practice magick, which is merely trying to tap into the en ergy source inside all matter. This is based on personal preference. and yes, i do practice magick. I have recently made runes, which i use to read the future. and they actually work! They are quite reliable,and every spell i have done has worked so far,thus proving that magick is real and viable. also, what reasons have you to say it is stupid? any evidence to back it up? no, just opinion. you have the right of free speech, it is simply offensive and mean to say that an religion is stupid without any reason.

    Comment by crimson — April 5, 2010 @ 3:08 pm | Reply

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